Friday, January 30, 2004

posted by: copernicus on 1/30/2004 06:51:00 PM
Sorry if I ended up grumpy, this entry started out ok,...

Well, I went to the post office and the lovely lady with the extraordinary amount of make-up, hair care products, gold jewelry and sculpted nails says Molly’s birthday present should arrive at her doorstep by Tuesday.

Then I went to H&R Block, and wrote this on my W-2 envelope:
“What a stupid way for my brain to react,
I wasn’t called in order of first come, first serve, and started to think annoyed thoughts. But what am I in a hurry for? My plans for the day consisted only of mailing Molly’s gift and getting my taxes done. What do I care if the person behind me in line got called first?

See there, another everyday source of frustration vanquished as I sit here reading my book,
While the other filers try to avoid eye contact with the scary guy reading a book about Satan. :)”
-----
I hate money;
Being an optimist has just been greatly rewarded as it usually is:
My work had me categorized incorrectly, and failed to withhold the city tax,
So instead of the $1000 I was counting on to pay bills due next week (knowing it would be here when I got back helped justify the Mexico trip), I got $266 and find myself scrambling to figure out how to cover my bills and keep shit from getting shut off. I knew I'd be broke when I got back, but now I'm over $700 in the hole.

Money sucks.
Now I’ll have to go whore myself out to my culture and work so much that I’ll wake up unhappy every day, knowing the entire day will be spent….ah, fuck it. Writing about it will only perpetuate it.

My friend Aaron (who was accurately compared to Ren) would be freaking out right now and admonishing himself for ever going to Mexico, but strangely, I only feel a blunted sense of worry. I seem not to be giving a shit. I want to say, fuck the bank fuck my car payments fuck my car insurance fuck my student loan payments fuck my rent fuck my internet access fuck netflix fuck the dentist who wants $600 before he'll finish fixing my broken tooth and fuck this town.

Can’t I just stumble upon enough money to move me to a new city and start over?
That’s all I want, the means to get set up somewhere else. It’s that time. I need to get the fuck out of here.

Anybody feel like hitting the road?
That’s how we ended up in Miami:
Jamie (sitting in Aaron’s room joining him in a wake-n-bake session): “Hey Todd, want to move to Miami in about 6 weeks?”
Todd (stumbles into Aaron’s room in his boxers with bed-head, and replies as if I was offering a waffle): “Sure.”

Will I be alone this time? Can I do this without someone to go with me? Will anyone go?
All my old, spontaneous friends with the traveling kind of outlook on life are trying to grow roots now.
Most of them are parents now or are pregnant.

Only Todd and Noah still qualify, and who knows what Noah will do?
There is always the chance of Noah disappearing to Oregon without notice or intention of coming back.
That leaves Todd, who is my best traveling buddy. We laugh all the time, and find great humor in the stupidest things. Will he pull up stumps and leave the beach?

Where the fuck do I want to go, besides NYC and Hawaii?
I’ve been stalling for so long now, this is really the first time I’ve begun to confront what is perhaps my most important issue. I need to get the fuck on, I need to figure out where to go, and I need to figure out how to get there.

I’m open to suggestions, and I feel like it’s time to do something that my family thinks is a bad idea. Those kinds of things have always led to adventure.
I’m stagnant again, I have to make a stand against my comfort.
It’s hard to stay motivated when you’re the only one of your ilk in your environment.
You actually find yourself assimilating the habits of those who surround you, habits you never thought you’d acquire.

And end up sitting at a computer, trying to jumpstart yourself, typing what you need to be doing onto a screen in the hopes that publishing your laziness will help force you to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.

Does anyone want to hit the road with me?
----------
What I really want right now is the company of a cool girl. Sometimes the point of view of a woman you respect is all a guy needs, this guy anyway. I guess I'll see what my sister and niece are doing for dinner. Splitting a bottle of red wine with Ericka always makes me feel better. I don't imagine Molly would be able to make it out for a drink tonight, it's kind of a commute, but it would be nice.